3 Ways to Remove Bad Communication During Conflict
They say communication is a two way road and I am here to help you understand your side of the road when things begin to go awry during conflict.
There are times you are not able to turn conflict into a good thing because there is bad communication (aggression, anger, disgust, mistrust, etc.). Here are three strategies you can begin using to help with bad conflict:
Be Open
Seriously. If there is obvious conflict, point it out immediately. It can feel uncomfortable but it will clear up issues faster than any other prescription.
“I can see there are some folded arms and eye rolling. That’s okay; we aren’t always going to agree on everything. Let’s go around the room. I’d like to hear from everyone about their thoughts on this.”
“Hi Jim, I want to make sure we have a good working relationship. During our last interaction, I got a bit frustrated because I felt like my viewpoint wasn’t getting across. Do you have time to talk?”
“After our last meeting, there was some negative feedback among smaller groups. I understand there may be times where it is uncomfortable to share in a big group setting, let’s break out into smaller groups to discuss the following topics…”
Hot Tip:
Listen more than you speak.
If someone has a conflict with you, let them speak.
Do not cut them off to defend yourself.
Don’t speak until there has been 3 seconds of silence…and I mean the painfully long three seconds (one Mississippi, two Mississippi, and three Mississippi).
Stay away from accusations even if the other person is throwing them left and right.
Diffusing conflict is sometimes a valid solution.
If things get heated you can always say:
“I hear you and I’d like to continue this discussion. Right now, I think we need to break and come back together with a third party/after we do some research into this/once we both cool down/etc.”
Probe Correctly
Some people love to argue. Arguing and conflict are two different things. A conflict has a resolution; an argument has two losers and a lot of wasted time. Using exploratory questions, where you are constantly asking for information from the other person will almost inevitably require them to explain their views and provide ample time for them to speak. The important part of this is to disengage from bad communication and only latch onto good communication. For example:
Employee: “I don’t want to work with Billy. He is an imbecile and a loser. The last time I talked with him he said that he wasn’t going to send me the team report because he didn’t want to do any “favors” for me. If he isn’t reprimanded then I’m going to have to do something about it myself.”
Let’s break this down:
· Insulting a co-worker
· Alleged incident with co-worker
· Possible workplace threat?
None of this is good. So, how could you respond to this heated person?
“Thank you for coming to me with this information. (Acknowledge that the person have chosen to come to you with some important information) I’m here to support you with your grievance. (You aren’t saying they are right or wrong, just that you are in a support position to the situation) Firstly, I have to say that the language use of “imbecile” and “loser” is not professional for our workplace. I do understand situations can arise that cause some frustration. (Outline the poor behavior that goes against work culture, mission, values, etc. any time it happens) I’d like to set up a meeting this afternoon with all three of us so that we can fully discuss this in an open dialogue and follow protocol.” (Provide an immediate actionable step)
and:
-Could you clarify what you mean by “doing something about it” yourself?
-What happened the last time you worked with Billy?
-What would make the workplace better?
-How does this impact your ability to complete your work?
-What is your preferred outcome?
You can’t comment on what Billy has done…because you don’t know that Billy actually did this. It could be misrepresented or it could be true. You also aren’t going to “bad talk” another employee so you stop it here and provide an immediate option to move forward with the problem.
Now, what about if someone is directly angry with you?
Co-worker: “It is your job to do this. I shouldn’t have to follow up behind you for every little thing. We were all trained together, if you can’t do your job maybe you should leave.”
This is hostile. It is great when employees can check each other when they aren’t doing their job duties however; this is not one of the ways to do it. Be open and shut it down with kindness.
“I understand you’re frustrated with me. (Acknowledge the emotion felt, even if everything else is unkind). I absolutely made a mistake. (Hey, if you made a mistake, you made a mistake. No need to defend yourself here). We work as a team and as a team member, I want to be on a team that supports each other and I want to make sure no one feels like they have to do my workload or follow up behind me.” (Quickly outline what you want from the team- to be supported and to have equal workloads).
Hot Tip: END IT THERE. Do not continue to speak to someone when they start in a hostile tone. Openly acknowledge the way they feel (even if they are wrong in their conclusion, they still have the emotion they have, so identify it), the grievance they have/if you’re in the wrong, and a real solution that ends the conversation for the moment.
Of course, telling someone they should leave the workplace is unprofessional. Of course, talking in a hostile tone is rude! We all know these things. We also know…this is the wrong time to probe! You may be able to talk about this later, you may not, you may need to bring in a third party (supervisor) to make sure the problem gets resolved.
Force a Resolution
Sometimes, you have to force a resolve. There are some who want something that isn’t possible. At all points in a conflict, continuously define the conflict and continuously define what the preferred outcome is of each party. It will save you a lot of struggle. You can explicitly ask:
“What is your preferred outcome, given the information we just went over?”
“I know in the beginning you wanted X however based on A, B, and C it seems X is not possible right now, where do you want to go from here?”
“Can we take a second to redefine the problem/conflict? I want to make sure we are approaching the right thing.”
An example: We have Client A; they’ve called a meeting because they feel they aren’t being supported enough by the company. During the meeting, exploratory questions are asked “What are your thoughts on your current support?” “What could make the support better?” “What is your ultimate perfect outcome?”
It is found out that Client A has most of their issues at 9PM or later due to their industry and the contracted company is open until 5PM, Monday through Friday. The company representative must force a resolve with Client A, immediately.
“It appears you need support and available staff later in the evening. However we operate until 5PM. Given this information, what is your preferred outcome from here?”
“We are open 9-5, M-F. Currently, we do not have the capacity to provide support after 5PM. Do you want to work on a contract for a PRN staff and we can hire out for support personnel?”
“To clarify, your problems are generally in the evening. Would it help if we trained a few more people on staff at your location to assist with troubleshooting?”
“24/7 support is something we are looking into. In the meantime, let’s talk about other supports we can provide to make sure you are fully supported and trained while using this product.”
Hot Tip: There’s no reason to continue talking about a desired outcome that isn’t possible. Re-define the desired outcome as the conversation goes on. Force a resolve. X isn’t able to happen at this time, so let’s look at other solutions that address your concerns.
This blog post goes a bit hand in hand with the “3 Ways to Use Conflict to Your Advantage”. I hope some of you are closer to being convinced that conflict, when treated with care, can be a positive thing. I know some of you aren’t buying it. I encourage you to try out exploratory questions, being open/honest, and allowing others to speak more than you speak. This is all a conscious and purposeful way to deal with conflict. Try some of these tips out and come back to let me know how they work!
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